On the first day of every year we make resolutions that will improve our lives, and maybe the lives of our family and friends. The majority of people don't follow through with their resolutions, some people don't even make it past the first week. Lose weight, stop smoking, quit drinking, stop dating unavailable men, stop dating high-maintenance women... you've heard them all before. I usually don't make a resolution because I'm perfect just as I am (and I certainly don't resolve to be more humble in 2008) but this year I think I will make several resolutions. It's going to be my little science expiriment.
Resolution 1: Perfect my air guitar routine in bars. This seems to make a number of people happy, so why not?
Resolution 2: Sing more on the subway. A few weeks ago my friends and I were intoxicated and singing Christmas carols on a subway to Brooklyn. You'd be surprised the amount of cheer you can spread by caroling. And once you have everyone caroling (even the homeless guy that was asleep) you can break in to "Owner of a lonely heart", it's a classic.
Resolution 3: Save money. So far this is the LEAST realistic of the lot, since it will undoubtedly cost a lot of money to drink enough to follow through with resolutions 1 and 2. But since I'm now officially in my late 20's, I should probably re-open my savings account. I actually had more money in my savings when I was 16 than I do now. Before you comment with lectures on being fiscally responsible, I'd like you to know I look super cute in my new boots.
Resolution 4: Stop watching Lifetime television & romanctic comedies on Sundays. Lifetime tv makes me think that every man is a woman beater or a murderer. Romantic comedies give me unrealistic expectations of the type of men that are out there. You can see how this could get confusing...
Now that I'm thinking about it, I could go on and on with resolutions. I think we would all be better off if we just resolved to be nicer people year after year. (uh-oh...sarcasm quickly being replaced with optimism!) I'm suddenly feeling very positive about 2008. I'm going to turn off this Lifetime movie (I said I would stop watching on Sundays, I never said anything about holidays) and spread a little cheer to my friends.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
A dysfunctional family Christmas
Nobody's family is perfect, I don't care what you say. In our country the divorce rate is 50%, but if your parents stayed together they probably hate each other as much as mine do. If your parents don't hate each other after 30 years of marriage, I'll bet you have an alcoholic aunt, or an uncle who likes to dress as your aunt. No matter what your family's story is, you love the crazy bastards! But after 5 days with my family I remember why I moved out in the first place (read future blog; "WHY INDEPENDENCE SUCKS").
My family is your typical Christian family; prude mom, father that used to have long hair and ride a motorcycle, oldest daughter who's not allowed to do anything growing up because dad used to be a ladies-man, and the 2 sons who get away with murder. Now throw in the fact that the family is multi-racial and they become not-so-typical. My family thinks that being multi-racial gives you a free pass to make fun of every race, religion, gender, sexual preference, body type, and age under the sun. Take my aunt for example. My family loves to make fun of the fact that she's morbidly obese. The woman is a reverend in our church. YOU CAN'T MAKE FUN OF A WOMAN OF GOD. But for some reason the entire family thinks it's funny to make fun of a woman that walks with a cane, has asthma, type II diabetes, and has never had a boyfriend in her entire life. That is seriously twisted. And they love to pick on me. I am tall, with light skin, green/hazel-ish eyes, and blonde hair that I dye darker so that I sort of look like a member of our family. Had I known growing up that these are traits that people actually consider attractive, it would have saved me a lot of grief. As if being a teenager wasn't hard enough, my family tormented me. I'll save the emotional trauma for another blog, but here's a small list of nicknames that my family gave me:
- Big bird (the height)
- Miss Piggy (the blonde hair)
-Rosie Perez (because I'm lighter than the rest of the family)
- Broke-ass Mariah Carey (self-explanatory)
Anyways, after the first few days of being home I felt a tremedous wave of guilt because I wanted to actually harm my family. The thoughts that were going through my mind were simply barbaric. They say you don't really love someone unless you've thought about choking them, so apparently I REALLY love my family.
Every kid wants to run away from their family when they are little, but money, shelter, and food usually prevent them from doing so. But now I can just jump in my car and drive 4 hours to my new home to be away from them. So why did I miss them the minute I got in my car to leave? Every day since I left I've caught myself gazing at our family picture in our Christmas sweaters. No matter how ignorant, mean, or just plain rude my family is, they will always be my family. Damn I love those crazy bastards....
My family is your typical Christian family; prude mom, father that used to have long hair and ride a motorcycle, oldest daughter who's not allowed to do anything growing up because dad used to be a ladies-man, and the 2 sons who get away with murder. Now throw in the fact that the family is multi-racial and they become not-so-typical. My family thinks that being multi-racial gives you a free pass to make fun of every race, religion, gender, sexual preference, body type, and age under the sun. Take my aunt for example. My family loves to make fun of the fact that she's morbidly obese. The woman is a reverend in our church. YOU CAN'T MAKE FUN OF A WOMAN OF GOD. But for some reason the entire family thinks it's funny to make fun of a woman that walks with a cane, has asthma, type II diabetes, and has never had a boyfriend in her entire life. That is seriously twisted. And they love to pick on me. I am tall, with light skin, green/hazel-ish eyes, and blonde hair that I dye darker so that I sort of look like a member of our family. Had I known growing up that these are traits that people actually consider attractive, it would have saved me a lot of grief. As if being a teenager wasn't hard enough, my family tormented me. I'll save the emotional trauma for another blog, but here's a small list of nicknames that my family gave me:
- Big bird (the height)
- Miss Piggy (the blonde hair)
-Rosie Perez (because I'm lighter than the rest of the family)
- Broke-ass Mariah Carey (self-explanatory)
Anyways, after the first few days of being home I felt a tremedous wave of guilt because I wanted to actually harm my family. The thoughts that were going through my mind were simply barbaric. They say you don't really love someone unless you've thought about choking them, so apparently I REALLY love my family.
Every kid wants to run away from their family when they are little, but money, shelter, and food usually prevent them from doing so. But now I can just jump in my car and drive 4 hours to my new home to be away from them. So why did I miss them the minute I got in my car to leave? Every day since I left I've caught myself gazing at our family picture in our Christmas sweaters. No matter how ignorant, mean, or just plain rude my family is, they will always be my family. Damn I love those crazy bastards....
Friday, December 28, 2007
My First Blog
So what does one write for their first blog? I have no idea how to go about this... I have a serious headache from being in the holiday spirit for the past week, so I don't know if I can think clearly. What I do know is that the world is in need of my opinion on EVERYTHING, and I had an obligation to American society to start this blog. I'm also pretty sure I shouldn't be doing this at work. Maybe I should list all of the things you can expect from my blog? That's probably not necessary since the only people who will read this are my friends who already receive daily ranting from me via email, but here goes!
1. You can expect sarcasm in mass quantities.
2. You can expect an important and uplifting life lesson at least once a week.
3. You can expect me to think that I'm HILARIOUS.
4. You can expect that once in a while I will say something completely inappropriate for the sake of a quick laugh.
5. Once in a while I will write about Baby Guiness shots, hot foreigners with accents, and playing air guitar in public just to appease my 2 person fan base.
I think that about covers it....
So now for your first hilarious, but maybe not-so-uplifting, life lesson.
DO NOT start a blog one Friday just because your boss is not in the office. You will inevitably become addicted to blogging, and probably get fired. If you don't get fired, you will certainly offend some innocent bystander that you wrote about just to be funny.
1. You can expect sarcasm in mass quantities.
2. You can expect an important and uplifting life lesson at least once a week.
3. You can expect me to think that I'm HILARIOUS.
4. You can expect that once in a while I will say something completely inappropriate for the sake of a quick laugh.
5. Once in a while I will write about Baby Guiness shots, hot foreigners with accents, and playing air guitar in public just to appease my 2 person fan base.
I think that about covers it....
So now for your first hilarious, but maybe not-so-uplifting, life lesson.
DO NOT start a blog one Friday just because your boss is not in the office. You will inevitably become addicted to blogging, and probably get fired. If you don't get fired, you will certainly offend some innocent bystander that you wrote about just to be funny.
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