MTV's new reality show: Jersey Shore

Real World Jersey Shore. True Life: I'm from the Jersey Shore. Whatever you want to call MTV's new "reality" show, it's amazing. I'm using the term REALITY loosely because I have no clue what planet these people are orbiting. Regardless, the premiere of that show made of 2 hours of incredible television. Or 4 hours in my case. I had to watch it twice because I couldn't believe it the first time.
Leave it to MTV to find yet another way to exploit a bunch of mentally challenged baboons and bimbos in the name of entertainment. Here's what makes it so great: for days, weeks, even months, people will be trying to figure out if these 8 reality stars are REALLY like that, or if it's just an act. Let me solve the mystery for you right now: it's real. The Hills? Acting. Long, awkward pauses. Unnatural posing. Strategic drama. That is not reality. Jersey Shore? Fully real. This is not a comedy (although I laughed through the whole thing). This is some peoples' demented ideas about real life.
For those who've not tuned in yet, let me give you the rundown on these 8 strangers.

-Snookie- aka Snickers- aka The Princess of Poughkeepsie. High Drama and delusions of grandeur in its purest form. Don't be fooled by her constant whining and think that she's insecure. It's because she wants and loves the attention at all times. A mental and physical midget, she thinks everyone is talking about her all the time when in fact nobody cares that she exists.

-Ronnie- dumber than an entire shopping bag of rocks due to prolonged exposure to Human Growth Hormone.

-Jenni- aka Jwoww- aka What the F happened to that girl's hair? Sounds like she's been smoking since birth. Giant augmented breasts. Giant ego to go along with them.

-Sammi- aka sweetheart- slutty narcissist with powers to manipulate dumb guidos with a bat of her eyelashes. Completely vapid.

-Vinny- the semi-normal guy. There's always got to be one that's almost normal enough to make the other ones look completely nuts.

-Pauly D.-I didn't realize they made people like this in Rhode Island, but let me just say: BRAVO RHODE ISLAND. His priorities in life are quite simple. Tanning. Spending 40 minutes on his hair. Hooking up with the lowest class of women. No back story here because there is no depth. Those are his ONLY priorities. Oh, I forgot tattoos and going to the gym.

-"Jolie"- I don't actually remember this girl's real name, even after watching for 4 straight hours. She's completely inconsequential to the show. I guess they just needed one annoying, lazy chick on the show.

Am I forgetting someone?
Oh no... How could I possibly forget Mike- aka "The Situation". Yes. He actually nicknamed himself "The Situation" because he thinks his "Situation" (read: perfectly chiseled abs) is that amazing that it deserves a nickname. You want to hate this guy, but he's not-so-secretly my favorite character (and they are ALL characters) on the show. 1st episode he has his half-witted heart broken by the evil whore Sammi "sweetheart". I can't wait for him to exact his revenge on every floozy in a 12 mile radius from their apartment. I'm also very curious to see how many ways he can use the term "the situation" throughout the season. The final, but probably most important reason that he's my favorite is that he felt compelled to tell the lazy, annoying one that she should lose 5-10 pounds.

It's important to note that I don't condone any of the following:
- over-excessive tanning
- skunk-style hair extensions
- the "poof" hairstyle
- nicknaming your abs or reproductive organs
- STD's (which they all undoubtedly have)
- cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend on National TV. On the 1st episode.

But I will be watching this show to see what kind of crazy hi jinx this crew will get into this season. Well done MTV. Well done.