The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner- another Twilight book

Millions of angst-ridden teens, rejoice! Stephenie Meyer's new Twilight book, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner, is in bookstores now. Don't get too excited though, this is not of the Bella/Edward/Jacob type. Stephenie's book that was written in Edward's point-of-view, Midnight Sun, was leaked early and now she refuses to finish the book. Rather than making a boat-load of money and satisfying the needs of a bunch of melancholy young girls (and a few adults. Don't judge.) Stephenie decided to come out with this book from the point-of-view of a character that was BARELY in her Eclipse novel. Eclipse was about a gang of newborn vampires that were trying to kill Bella, but they were off'ed instead. So why would I take the time out of my busy schedule to read about one of these newborns, Bree Tanner, if I know that she dies in the end? Cause I'm a sucker, that's why. Yeah, I bought it. And yeah, I read it in about 30 seconds since the font is so damn big and it's only 178 pages. I'm angry at myself for getting sucked in to this twisted vampire world where I would spend money on a book like that just so I could have a little taste of Twilight again. I couldn't just wait for Kristen Stewart's extremely poor acting when Eclipse comes out in theaters in a few days? These books are like crack, and Meyer is like an evil crack dealer that must be shut down. I was actually really into the book until the end when the kid dies. I mean, I knew it was going to happen and I was still disappointed. I'm seriously angry at myself for letting my Twilight addiction get to this point. You've won this round, Stephenie Meyer, but maybe you should consider your dorky fans' feelings and frigging finish Midnight Sun.

Now I'm going to go read some Sookie Stackhouse novels out of spite.

Secondhand pot is ruining my life

I think I am becoming dumber for living in my current apartment. I have lived there a little over a year and my memory is going and I just feel stupider. Why you ask? Well, it could just be my job is making me dumber. I mean the fact that I have to play Sodoku online and before I go to bed just so I know my brain is still functioning does not say a lot for what I do for a living. No no. It is because I live next door to some serious potheads.

Now let me start by saying I have never smoked pot in my life. WHAT??? you say...Yes, it is weird I know. After blacking out for the first time from drinking a couple of weeks ago, I got the same reaction I usually get to that statement. WHAT?? YOU'VE NEVER BLACKED OUT BEFORE?? Apparently I am a square. Or just not an alcoholic pothead.Sorry, tangent. I live next door to an older couple - maybe around 50 - who smoke pot ALL day long. That is not an exaggeration. Not to mention they have a son who used to (or still does) deal drugs. How do I know this? Well, I may or may not have put a glass up to the wall to listen to them fighting. He deals drugs, they smoke them. What's the problem? At first I thought maybe I was overreacting to the smell because my virgin nose was so sensitive, but then I had several people comment on it. Friends waiting for the cable man, my family, pregnant friends worrying for their unborn children... It is a lifestyle now. Everyone at work knows I am a secondhand pothead, so we have an understanding.

To be fair, this neighbor is a step up from my tap dancing neighbor in my last apartment. Instead of smoking pot all day he would literally walk around his apartment all day long. Where are you going? I get home, take my shoes off, get on the couch, and that's it. The only steps I take are to the kitchen or bathroom and I am so lazy I'll combine that into the same trip. This guy walked around day and night - in his shoes! What are we on a sitcom? Who wears their shoes in their apartment? My friend and I came up with a few theories on what he was doing up there. Was he a serial killer just walking around looking at this collection of hair or heads or bones or whatever they have in their freezers? We were convinced he had a bomb strapped to him like in Speed and if he stopped walking the bomb would go off. I think I'll go with that theory. So moving into my new place and being free of the walker was worth a little pot. I'll just ignore the fact that my neighbors on the other side are yelling at and beating their children day and night. I see them in the hallway and want to tell them to come inside and live with me. Then I remember I don't want to have to take care of kids. I'm a secondhand pot addict for God's sake. Where am I?

Movies Are Terrible

I am a self-proclaimed TV/movie buff, but I have to say that the invention of the DVR has turned me into someone with a severe case of ADD brought on by boredom. I know when I am bored with a show or movie when I fast-forward through about 90% of it. I am at the point now where I can't even sit through opening credits anymore. This is a problem since almost every movie now has some moron talking over the credits, telling us what the movie is going to be about. You know what else tells me what the movie is going to be about? Watching the movie. Zip it.
Sadly, I have not seen a movie that did not cause my finger to hit >> in quite some time. The biggest cause of this is predictability (or George Clooney being any part of the film). Let's see, a preview showing two young attractive actors meeting by chance, but oh no he isn't right for her (she's a scholar and he is only a mechanic...or maybe even he drinks and has fun (whaaaat) and she like to do LARPing...just fill in the blank). Hmmmmmm do you think they're gonna fall in love?!? I want to write a movie where no one falls in love. "He has red hair and she would never date a redhead"...how does my movie end? With her marrying a brunette...cause let's be honest, who is gonna marry a guy with red hair?
Anyhoo, I just finished watching that amazing movie, Obsessed, with Beyonce. Let me tell you, I was pleasantly surprised. Not by the movie of course, let's be real, but because usually the crazy person in the movie has super strength and attacks or kills everyone. Spoiler alert, Beyonce beats the ever loving shiznit out of the crazy chick. The crazy girl literally is like - Go away Beyonce! - and Beyonce says (and this is not a direct quote, but close enough) "I'll wipe the floor with your skinny ass." There was also a headbutt thrown in there. Another spoiler alert? Beyonce should stop acting. Forever.

Pregnancy TV Shows

I am in love with the show "16 and Pregnant." I do have a couple of gripes though, in that they always start the show when the girls are about 7 months pregnant. They miss all the good stuff in the beginning where the girls think they are pregnant but aren't sure. They also miss the part where the girls drive to an out-of-the-way CVS to buy a pregnancy test so nobody sees them buying it. They miss the secret trip to P-squared (aka Planned Parenthood) to confirm the big news. Most importantly, they miss the best part where the girl announces to her friends and family, "I'M PREGNANT" and all the priceless reaction shots that come with the big announcement.
I recently came up a new idea for a show called, "30 and Maybe Pregnant" (don't ask how I came up with the idea, but let's just say I was inspired). The show would have to be on MTV's sister station VH1 because 30 is too old for MTV and there is probably no openings on their schedule unless "Date my Mom" gets cancelled. The show would open with a 30-year-old female thinking she is pregnant. The 30-year-old female had a good job and lives in NYC. She will go to an out-of-the-way Duane Reade to purchase a pregnant test so her usual clerks don't know the news (besides she wants to buy a pack of butts from them on the way home and is concerned about the reaction of purchasing a pregnancy test and a pack of Parliment Lights). She will then delay taking the test because she has plans with the girls this weekend and doesn't want to not be able to drink. After her night of fun with the girls, the pilot will end with the girl getting her period. Nobody wants to see a sad show where the girl has to move to Queens and have a baby that she keeps pawning off on her mom, we have "16 and Pregnant" to see that. This show will only be a half hour (one hour is too long to watch toothless family members saying, "you need to take care of your baby").

Jerseylicious

I know, I know. It's been a while. But leave it to a show about Jersey to give me the nudge I need to make fun of someone. What is with these shows about New Jersey? I don't get it. The whole state can't be that bad, can it? Unfortunately I'm easily hooked on TV shows where the stars are complete morons. This show confuses me slightly because not ALL of the cast are idiots, just most of them. This show is about the Gatsby Salon, where salon owner, Gayle, hires a bunch of big-haired freaks to be her stylists. I would never let any of those people touch my hair. But I have a sneaking suspicion this is where Bon Jovi gets his hair done. (Oh come on! I can make fun of Bon Jovi, right? The guy may be a musical legend, but his hair is brutal.)
Gayle's daughter, Christy, was the one who gave her mother the amazing suggestion of hiring these wack-jobs to work in the salon, so I'm sure her mother is really pleased. There's Gigi, who's semi-normal, but her boyfriend clearly needs to be in prison somewhere. She's not bringing much to the show. Anthony is your typical Jersey guy. He seems OK, but he needs to slow down with that accent. Then things start to get a little nutty... Cue Alexa who thinks that she's a fairy. She talks about people "getting their wings" and pixie dust and sugar and spice. If she wasn't on a TV show I'd liken her to a crazy cat lady. Fairies, cats, figurines... whatever you collect, it's all crazy.
My favorite characters are, of course, the most ridiculous ones. 2 grown women, Tracy and Olivia, that work together but are fighting over a guy who is not even attractive. Snookie (whoops! I mean Olivia) is the victim of torture at Tracy's bouffant-creating hands. Tracy has the guy now, so she feels compelled to torture Olivia about it every second of the work day. The other people that work at the salon are constantly subjected to their bickering and have had to physically separate them before they got in to a fistfight. The hilarious part about it though is that they're THE SAME PERSON. They like the same ridiculous men, have the same gaudy taste in everything, and have the same personality. Well, actually Tracy is a little more on the depraved/violent side than little Olivia, but that's where the differences end.
So to answer your question as to why I watch these shows: I have zero clue. I really like going to the zoo as well, so I figure it's not any different than watching wild animals try to kill each other.
Will I continue to watch the show? Until my brain is completely rotted.

Jersey Shore: America's sweethearts?

Reality TV is an amazing thing. It can make someone that NOBODY would care about otherwise into headline news. If it wasn't for reality tv Tila Tequila would just be a slut. Now she's a famous slut that probably gets hooked up with free clothes and gets to go to cool parties. Granted, she only gets invited so that people can make fun of her, but the point is that she is on the guestlist. Otherwise she'd be spending her Friday evenings under whatever rock she crawled out from under.
You can find love on reality tv. Just look at that couple... what are their names again? You know. The chick that got kicked off the bachelor because she's not really that attractive. The one with the big nose. And then she got her own show and found the love of her life.
If you feel like living in a house with a bunch of strangers so you can get drunk, get in fights, and stick your fingers in someone else's can of peanut butter, then the real world is just what you need!
But I find MTV's Jersey Shore amazing for so many reasons. Regardless of the fact that I actually can't stand a single one of those nitwits, I'm strangely drawn to the television every Thursday night. I find myself using their corny catch-phrases AT MY JOB. And yeah, I was upset when Snookie got punched! I wanted to tell myself that it's a stupid show and not to care. But I find the little poof-wearing freak strangely endearing. WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO? Blogs went up about the punch. Facebook groups were started. Petitions were written to get Brad Ferro fired from his job as a public school teacher. Such unity, such passion, such intensity came about because.... because of some guidos fist-pumping at the Jersey Shore? It's astounding. I don't remember such fervor about any episode of For the Love of Ray-J.
Let's face the facts. The cast of the Jersey Shore has quickly become (in a sick, twisted way) America's sweethearts. I'm not saying we're going to remember them once the next reality tv phenomenon comes out. But for now Snookie and The Situation are household names. People are going to hope that they find love. Maybe Sam (who I still think is a wretched bitch) and Ronnie will get married and have little guidos. Maybe Pauly D will put out a CD of his mixes. Who knows what's in store for JWoww and her blonde streaks? One thing I do know is that if you have no real talents, and are kind of annoying, you can still go on tv and make a fool of yourself. You'll get paid for it, and sometimes people will actually end up liking you.

MTV's new reality show: Jersey Shore

Real World Jersey Shore. True Life: I'm from the Jersey Shore. Whatever you want to call MTV's new "reality" show, it's amazing. I'm using the term REALITY loosely because I have no clue what planet these people are orbiting. Regardless, the premiere of that show made of 2 hours of incredible television. Or 4 hours in my case. I had to watch it twice because I couldn't believe it the first time.
Leave it to MTV to find yet another way to exploit a bunch of mentally challenged baboons and bimbos in the name of entertainment. Here's what makes it so great: for days, weeks, even months, people will be trying to figure out if these 8 reality stars are REALLY like that, or if it's just an act. Let me solve the mystery for you right now: it's real. The Hills? Acting. Long, awkward pauses. Unnatural posing. Strategic drama. That is not reality. Jersey Shore? Fully real. This is not a comedy (although I laughed through the whole thing). This is some peoples' demented ideas about real life.
For those who've not tuned in yet, let me give you the rundown on these 8 strangers.

-Snookie- aka Snickers- aka The Princess of Poughkeepsie. High Drama and delusions of grandeur in its purest form. Don't be fooled by her constant whining and think that she's insecure. It's because she wants and loves the attention at all times. A mental and physical midget, she thinks everyone is talking about her all the time when in fact nobody cares that she exists.

-Ronnie- dumber than an entire shopping bag of rocks due to prolonged exposure to Human Growth Hormone.

-Jenni- aka Jwoww- aka What the F happened to that girl's hair? Sounds like she's been smoking since birth. Giant augmented breasts. Giant ego to go along with them.

-Sammi- aka sweetheart- slutty narcissist with powers to manipulate dumb guidos with a bat of her eyelashes. Completely vapid.

-Vinny- the semi-normal guy. There's always got to be one that's almost normal enough to make the other ones look completely nuts.

-Pauly D.-I didn't realize they made people like this in Rhode Island, but let me just say: BRAVO RHODE ISLAND. His priorities in life are quite simple. Tanning. Spending 40 minutes on his hair. Hooking up with the lowest class of women. No back story here because there is no depth. Those are his ONLY priorities. Oh, I forgot tattoos and going to the gym.

-"Jolie"- I don't actually remember this girl's real name, even after watching for 4 straight hours. She's completely inconsequential to the show. I guess they just needed one annoying, lazy chick on the show.

Am I forgetting someone?
Oh no... How could I possibly forget Mike- aka "The Situation". Yes. He actually nicknamed himself "The Situation" because he thinks his "Situation" (read: perfectly chiseled abs) is that amazing that it deserves a nickname. You want to hate this guy, but he's not-so-secretly my favorite character (and they are ALL characters) on the show. 1st episode he has his half-witted heart broken by the evil whore Sammi "sweetheart". I can't wait for him to exact his revenge on every floozy in a 12 mile radius from their apartment. I'm also very curious to see how many ways he can use the term "the situation" throughout the season. The final, but probably most important reason that he's my favorite is that he felt compelled to tell the lazy, annoying one that she should lose 5-10 pounds.

It's important to note that I don't condone any of the following:
- over-excessive tanning
- skunk-style hair extensions
- the "poof" hairstyle
- nicknaming your abs or reproductive organs
- STD's (which they all undoubtedly have)
- cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend on National TV. On the 1st episode.

But I will be watching this show to see what kind of crazy hi jinx this crew will get into this season. Well done MTV. Well done.